Mr. President, would you join our Art Directory

Years ago I met a painter in Fells Point named Davis. He's plays chess in the dive bars and calls me "Mr. President." I reply, "Well hello Mr. Secretary." These introductions are the continuation of a joke that began five years ago. The joke involved me winning the Mega-millions, buying an island, starting a government and declaring nuclear war. Money is nice, but going down in history as the only other country to detonate a nuclear weapon in a time of war (on another uninhabited island, no one dies) is worth the cool millions it would take. Davis is a painter of photorealistic skill. His oil paintings (those he keeps anyway) cover his house. They hang on all exposed walls, even inside closets. He asked me for the fifth time to join a directory for local artists in Baltimore. I'm reluctant to place my name on anything, but now I think it might be time to be more open to it. The directory is located at http://www.baltimoreartsdirectory.com./

Absurdist Fiction

Why does Absurdist Fiction have to be for the scholar? The concept of writing stories in this wholly imaginative state intrigues the (a gross bile liquid) out of me. So why get all high brow about it? I don't want to much intrpretation, just let the guy by a bug. Surprize, it's Kafka's - The Metamorphosis, but you knew that. The idea that this form of literary fiction can be funny and creepy and entertaining should be embraced and then allowed to roam free. I don't think we need to think about it so much. I've read Tom Stoppard's - Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead, but when I was much younger and didn't have the feel for such literature yet. Now I can read this book and boil down to its roots, but I'd rather stare at it, take it in and see it for the simply weird ass tree it is.

User Testing, the site editor

When I started reading about how user testing and how most people don’t fully understand how things work, and yet muddle through them, I thought “well no s%@t.”

This is human nature, at least in this C student culture we've got. We don’t care how it works so long as it does. Ask your average person where water comes from and they’ll probably say, “ the pipes,” or “the water company.”

This wasn’t a revelation to me. I sure it's not to you either. I figured most people only scan web pages, because no one really cares about something they can’t benefit from.  They are trying to find out if this will work for them. That is why websites with no entertainment value are rarely looked at beyond small clans of counter culture emo-geeks who like being different as a way to feel special, but hey it works for them and it beats the alternative. Who am I to judge. Having said that I expected this from user testing I must conclude that I would still use it in a heartbeat. I’m to close to my own website to judge its user merit with objectivity. I need an editor to go over it and find the typos and flow problems. This makes my site better and that’s the bottom line. 

Always check your parachute before you jump = iMove tutorials from Apple

The Army Special Forces always give good advice. Never sit on a grenade, don't look important, the enemy maybe low on ammo, and always plan/check/then re-check your jump (skydiving). The last one is my focus for this blog, in the sense that using tutorials written by the multimedia gurus can save time and frustration when E-publishing. If you don't understand the program well or have never used it, then looking up a brief tutorial is for you. I went to the apple homepage and found all the info I needed on iMovie. http://www.apple.com/support/ilife/tutorials
I had never heard of iMovie before today. I don't make short films about my life or about skateboarding accidents, I'm talking to you U-tube. I'm sure most of you have already seen or thought of this but if not then I'm glad to help. Besides I'm tired of blogging about autoimmune diseases and the fun time had by sneezing on strangers at the MVA.

Old tools in a new medium

We should strive to make our website 100% hand crafted. No iamge on it should come from an outside source. Don't search the net for an image that is "you," go out and create that image yourself. Customized graphics and images are true artistry. This means spending time outdoors taking photos and further time indoors working with those photos in the program, Photoshop. While out in he world start building more stories, do something that people would want to read about. As for tools, Indesign is a good program to help with and use in refreshing your sites presentation. I suggest everyone who works in the publishing field learn it. Photo's aren't the only way to go when crafting images. I enjoy drawing, but painting is also a great way to make a one of a kind images for your site. The talent to create images and the talent to craft stories should mold together.

Why I like to sneak up on myself, and how I avoid catching myself by surprize.

How to make your website fresh and new, write something entertaining...duh. Another good piece of advice is to start a web comic that makes people laugh. People stick around for the funny, not for the insight. No one cares about insight unless it's from a book that's at least few thousand years old. Web Comic's that are easily accessed everyday and refreshed everyday, that way all those lazy clogs sitting in office cubes can be entertained by pure hilarium at least once a day, bring new readers onto websites. Those new readers might have incentive to look around at your excerpts of writing, if they like your stuff, maybe they will shell out a few coins for it. This is insight I found in a book...that's a few thousand years old.

Angry at the Pics

Hey,

I can't seem to be able to get my profile picture to show up on other people's blogsites. I guess I'm not a natural blogger. Of course it doesn't help that I have no interest in keeping an on-line journal. The whole thing is to egotistical. I don't expect people to give a crap about my daily wanderings. I don't even care that much. I hope to learn more about posting pics in class tonight, because if I don't then why am I paying for a course when I can look everything up on-line myself, besides I tried that already. I'm to frustrated to talk about this so I'll be back when the smoke clears.

Why do short cowboys aim for the knees?

Hey all,
To answer the question posed within the title of this post I say...to get you (the reader) to actually stop click, click, clicking away into the oblivion of the Internet and read this post...gotcha sucker. Well why you are here you might as well give me two good and opposing reason why short (under four foot) cowboys always aim for the knees? Maybe it's cultural? Maybe it's functional? Maybe it's a bad rumor and your ashamed to hear that I'm spreading this stigma. Please give me something that will entertain me for thirty seconds. Thirty seconds is all the time I have before my hummingbird attention span and demanding boss kick me off of this sight and onto another boring task. I leave you (the reader) with this question and image, what is the best (as in most awesome) way to paint a building? Kevin's answer is a series of dive bombing hawks trained to carry water balloons full of paint. This theory could also work with siding, which is even more awesome if the Hawks can find a way to make it stick.

What if people started turning into Bruce Lee?

That's right folks it's zombie Apocalypse time...except this time people aren't turning into the Undead. They are turning into Bruce Lee (or a reasonable facsimile thereof). My idea is that some government think tank is experimenting with genetically imprinting soldiers with Kung Fu training and bang the virus they use to transfer martial arts skill mutates and starts infecting people...turning them into Bruce Lee's. I figure instead of eating people, the mutated Lee's go around beating folks to death. Still as in all zombie-like situations, a shotgun is handy to have laying around.
My reasoning for blogging this, the same reason I write. I was bored this morning and wanted to laugh at a ridiculous concept. It's a strange story line but I watched ZombieLand and Black Belt theater back to back this past weekend with my father in law so this morning I started juggling the Bruce Lee rampage idea around in my head as a joke, but copyright is pending so hands off.

About blogging, I've noticed a trend that I'm not going to indulge in. I'm not searching the web for links or profiles or blogs for the reader to check out. The reader doesn't need my advice. They are smart enough to do it on their own. You should be working on a creative project of your own instead of surfing the web. Make the project awesome or serious, make it "Robot Chicken," or "Master Piece Theater." If you really want the born masses to check it out, make it a bit of both. I site Pride and Prejudice and Zombie's by Jane Austen and Seth Graheme-Smith
as my example. See that's not a link, but a site, of the non-web variety.

On the Yukon Tundra, AKA my driveway.

Day three...maybe six...not so sure anymore how many days I've been trapped by the snow, but I'm pretty sure it's a multiple of three.

Wine stores (or supplies) are running low. Tensions with Fiance...running high. Not really but hey I'm going for dramatic effect here dear reader. I doubt in my own success. So we are all (in the Mid-Atlantic) stuck inside during the snow storm of our times. If you bothered reading the 2010 Farmers Almanac, which I did thanks to my two farming uncles (they have shotguns and demand readership of almanac's) then you would have known this winter was suppose to be one of heavy snow fall and wine consumption. I am now starting a petition. It is to encourage every Maryland resident to start and run their cars (AC on) for four hours next Monday just to increase global warming and bitch slap Mother Nature (the only woman I would every hit, thanks to this whiteout) in the face.

Hahaha I'm kidding. I am not advocating violence against women, only violence against fictional entities (fuck Q and athena). I have to say though that if this is what they (hippies and Al Gore) meant by climate change ( which is what they are going to say when we ask) then they have a point, this blows. We need to stop burning fossil fuels and start burning...something else. Preferribly something we have alot of, because it's cold out there folks.

John Layman’s

http://themightylayman.blogspot.com/

The site is mostly a blog space that won the bloggo award in 2006. John’s site boasts a unique style at first look. He uses a digital photo of himself smushed into a piece of bread as part of the sites wallpaper. This site is loaded with humor. Even the title, instead of reading in the traditional internet fashion of “.com” it has been turned into a clever play on words reading “dot calm.”

John own profile on the site refers to him as “crusher,” a 98-year-old man who is a Scorpio and loves “nice kittens.” The design and set up of the site is pretty straightforward. More Flash could be added and it would be nice to have more interactive features for a visitor to use. This website feels more like self produced venture by an author and not a graphic designer. The site leans to a reading only venue. Luckily the stuff John writes is hilarious. Mr. Layman is a comic book author and his site doesn’t take much seriously, although it is well crafted.

This site is mostly a promotional site for the author. His most successful comic to date, CHEW, is doing well as a graphic novel. Chew: Taster’s Choice, is currently rank #7 on the New York Times best sellers list. It has some links to other sites but nothing outside of Mr. Layman’s own ventures. The archive section dates back to 2004.

William H. Coles website

www.storyinliteraryfiction.com/

William’s web site not only offers original short stories, but helpful insights and essays on Literary Fiction. It has a more educational feel to it. Providing essays in every aspect of narrative development. The site also has forums for discussion and links to others helpful sites for reading stories and tips on writing. William site provides short stories that can be read, downloaded for later, or listened to.

The site has interviews with notable authors and teachers. They give advice and provide insight into writing. The site has more photos than some other sites and uses them in clever ways. Some time the photos of authors being interviewed are lined up or stacked one on top of another to give the illusion of motion, like in a film or comic strip.

A robust commentary section allows for feedback to the interviews, essay’s and stories posted on the site. William has a detailed Bio as well as a section set apart for review of polls taken from commentators. Recommendations are made for books on writing. The site also provides the reader with material from the website itself for purchase in the traditional book form. Advice from workshop leaders fills another section of the website.

I found the website lacked in anything innovative or provocative. It wasn’t designed to make you think, it was designed to provide information. The same old colors and page set up’s dominated the site. It was easy to use, almost to easy. No flash animation can be found anywhere on the site as well as no humor. I was interesting to see the website but not entertaining.

Author, Aimee Benders site

http://www.flammableskirt.com/menu.html

The site’s entry board is a flash based animation of a person with a pumpkin for a head taking their dog for a walk, but the weird part is the random Bee that buzzes by…eerie. Aimee Bender is the author of several notable books. Her most recognized work is the short story book title “The Girl in the Flammable Skirt.” This is also the title she uses for her personal website. She has also published several other books including “An Invisible Sign of my Own,” and “Willful Creatures.”

Upon entering her site the user finds it to be completely flashed based with very rudimentary animations depicting the different area within the web page that you can address and explore. When entering a section of the site an access bar appears at the top of the page depicting all the other sections of her site. There is no search bar, but the reader does have access to her interviews, links, exercises, and news. Visitors to the site are encouraged to sign the guest book and read a short Biography about the author.

Using only flash as the sites multimedia browser is energetic looking but not very creative. It also limits the accessibility for the inexperienced reader and looks tedious after three clicks.

Number One, engage

Hey all
I asked my girlfriend to marry me Tuesday night and she said yes. I took her to the brick pier in Fell’s Point, the one that looks out over the harbor. The snow was gently falling when I got down on one knee. It was very peaceful and serene. Afterwards we had a reservation's at Kali’s Court (a nice seafood/Mediterranean style restaurant) where we had dinner. It was a perfect occasion and I couldn’t have wished for a better moment. We haven’t set a date but we are thinking of sometime in the fall. My fiance's name is Navara. Her parents are from Thailand. Navara is a doctor at Mercy Hospital. She loves her job there. She says it's because of the interaction with her patients. I don't have much else to comment on. This has been a big week for me. Probably one of my finest, but now I have more to think about than myself. I now have a partner to plan with. It is strange how I have gained a whole other person, and yet I feel somehow lighter.

Drawing out inspiration

I spent my Monday designing a parachute that turns into a blimp (or Dirigible) when deployed. It was invented by a character I created named Oscar St. John, a turn of the century london detective who solves msyteries because he's bored and wants to test his crack-pot inventions in practical application. I don't know whether to provide him with a sidekick or not. He's no Holmes. I can honestly say I respect Sir A.C.D.'s work, but I've never read any of it. I just started drawing and he came about. Ever since I took a class called Creativity: ways of seeing, I've recalled my love of drawing. I am a visual person and I tend to learn that way. I have been ignoring the visual instinct in order to cultivate my writing ability. Stories are more interesting that plain pictures to me anyway. Films are touched by to many hands. Paintings don't tell backgrounds or family history or the end-all question of "Why?" They are for introspection and I've looked inward long enough. People can only be mad that their daddies for preferring beer and broads to huggies and hugs for so long. My parents are still married, going on 35 years. I don't have the need to stare at a painting all day, although I have, and can appreciate those who choose to do so. I respectively, decline. I'm also working on a Lit Fic piece that doesn't have a meaning or story yet. It's ramblings. Kind of like sitting so still you feel like your moving. The meaning is buried in itself.

Even blind bats don't hit the cave walls.

I spent yesterday driving. Driving my girlfriend back and forth through the snow. She had a babyshower to attended and since the shower was for a member of my family, it was sweet of her to insist on going, even in the snow. I drove her there and picked her up. I believe the total was around 7" of snow fall for Baltimore County. My girlfriend can't drive, or should I say that she prefers not to drive due to her inability to properly stop when she sees tail lights. She just got her car back from the repair shop. $9000 dollars worth of damage repaired from her last collision. I love her, but Ray Charles could drive better. She has horrible eyesight and slow reactions skills. Have you ever been to a beach side amusement park? Ever ride the bumper cars? She manuvers a car like that, but on the highway. It's sad, but I don't mind driving, so long as she is safe, and I think of it as a public service. I save lives by keeping her off the road.
On the topic of writing, I am at a loss. On the topic of blogging, well honestly no one cares, unless it's a train wreck. Twelves years ago I could have wrote about the Tijuana hookers and the back alley strip club I passed out in. It was three in the morning (me and my two friends all passed out together around midnight, still sitting by the stage) and when I came to with my wallet was gone and my wristwatch was in hot pursuit. Thank god the border guards recognized the three of us. This must have happened to alot of young sailors out of San Diego. The guard was cool. He even let me throw up in his trash can. Sweet guy that guard. The twelve mile walk back to base took care of my hangover and gave me time to think how to get back onto the base without a Military I.D. I decided to get onto base in the tradition of Mexican tourism, I hopped the back fence. This was pre 9/11, so most bases in the U.S. just left the back gates open for the drunks to wander in...yahh homeland security.
Now a thought on "Homeland Security." Since everyone in the U.S.A. (san the native americans) is an imigrant. What homeland should I be securing? I guess I should be looking out for the territorial interests of Ireland?

Blog, Swamp Things country Estate

The word blog reminds me of some type of unknown swampland in victorian England. It's like the summer home of Swamp Thing.

"I spend my winters in the Okeepeenokee, but I take the kids and my ficus of a wife and spend my summers in the blog." said Swamp Thing.

I mean seriously couldn't the net guru's make up a better word. Web-Log= Blog. That doesn't make sense, but whatever I'm tired and my coffee is cold.